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The Secret to Understanding Your Own Behaviour: Grown Up Tantrums and all! A simple guide to the Parent, Adult, and Child that live within us all.

  • Writer: sophialboucher
    sophialboucher
  • Sep 10
  • 7 min read

Have you ever found yourself wondering why it is that you can respond to a situation and think that your language or behaviour reminds you of your mother or father?  Or similarly, how sometimes you might react as you would have done as a child?  We’ve all had a grown-up tantrum at some stage of our adult lives, haven’t we?  At other times however, we may behave in a perfectly respectable and mature and considered way.   It is almost as if there may be three different personalities living within us. 

Psychologist Eric Berne (1961) explains this in his theory of Transactional Analysis (TA).  One of the most prominent aspects to TA lies in a seemingly simple but very interesting concept that might explain everything; that we each operate from three internal ego states- Parent, Adult, and Child.

So, let’s take a closer look at these individually:


The Parent Ego State

The Parent ego state, (with a capital P to differentiate between a person’s actual parents and their Parent ego state) is like a recording of the rules, attitudes, and behaviours we absorb from authority figures in our early lives—parents, teachers, or significant others. Thomas A. Harris, (2023) author of “I’m OK, You’re OK”, describes the Parent ego state as “a huge collection of recordings in the brain of unquestioned or imposed external events perceived by a person in his early years”, typically before the age of five.

Once these memories and characteristics are imprinted in our brain they can be replayed in our adult lives. After all, everything that the child has witnessed in their early years is recorded and stored (without editing) in their Parent ego state.  So, if a young child witnesses his parents fighting, not only would the fight be imprinted in the child’s Parent ego state, but alongside this they will also store the feelings of fear and terror seeing the two people, who he depends on for his survival, at each other’s throats.  Absolutely everything is recorded, good and bad.  The many scoldings such as “Don’t do that”, and “NO!!”, as well as the parent’s facial expressions, the angry looks, the crossed arms and furrowed brow.   Along with the bad traits are stored the good, such as the look of a proud parent or nurturing behaviour that makes a child feel safe, loved and cared for. Indeed, it is important to understand that there are two subtypes of the Parent ego state, the “Critical Parent” and the “Nurturing Parent”. The “Critical Parent” is controlling, punishing and disapproving. and the “Nurturing Parent” on the other hand is caring, protective and supportive.


Characteristics of Parent Ego State:

  • The Critical Parent is judgmental

  • The Nurturing is caring and protective.

  • The Critical Parent uses language like “should,” “must,” “always,” “never”

  • May sound critical: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” or “Don’t speak to me like that!”.

  • The Nurturing Parent uses language such as: “Let me help you. You look tired.”


When it's helpful:

The Parent helps us pass on values, protect others, and set healthy boundaries.


When it can get in the way:

An overactive Critical Parent can be harsh, shaming, or inflexible.

 

The Child Ego State 


Eric Berne in 1961 described the Child (with a capital C!) ego state as the part of our personality that contains all the feelings, thoughts, and behaviours we experienced and expressed when we were children. It’s where our gregariousness, cheekiness, playful and creativity and curiosity reside within us.  However, the Child ego state also stores our fearfulness, along with our learned coping strategies from childhood.  The Child ego state responds to situations from an emotional standpoint rather than one of logic. It reflects how we felt or behaved when we were children.


Berne also broke it down into two main parts:

·        Free Child → natural, spontaneous, joyful, creative, expressive.

·        Adapted Child → shaped by parental rules; can be compliant (obedient) or rebellious (resisting). Obedient, fearful, rebellious, or might be a people-pleaser.


“Berne (1961) described the Child ego state as the source of our early feelings, impulses, and behaviours, which can be expressed freely or shaped by adaptation to parental rules.”

Characteristics of Child Ego State:

  • Emotional, spontaneous, imaginative—or anxious and reactive

  • May sound like: “This isn’t fair!” or “I want to do something fun!”

When It's Helpful:

The Child brings joy, creativity, and vulnerability to our lives and relationships.

When It Can Get in the Way:

Unprocessed fears or unmet childhood needs may resurface in ways that aren’t helpful—like sulking, tantrums, or avoidance.

 

  The Adult Ego State 

 

Eric Berne (1961) described the Adult ego state as the “rational, data-processing part of the personality that evaluates reality and makes objective decisions in the present.” It’s like a data processing computer that processes information objectively, without the emotional colouring of the Parent (rules, values) or the Child (feelings, impulses). The Adult ego state evaluates reality, gathers facts, weighs options, and makes decisions based on the here-and-now. Eric Berne saw it as essential for balanced functioning, because it helps us respond appropriately to current situations rather than just replaying past patterns.

At a very early age, children can start to test what their parents have been telling them.  A secure child will learn for instance that their parents were telling them the truth when they told him not to touch the hot iron.  He may have learned the hard way, nonetheless, he will be secure in the knowledge that he can rely on what his parents have told him. Harris, (2023) states that “If parental directives are grounded in reality, the child, through his own Adult will come to realise integrity or sense of wholeness”. So, he has learned that he can rely on what his parents have told him.

But the Adult ego state also acts to “update” the individual’s beliefs to check if those rules and beliefs are still valid in the current day.  For example:

  • Parent: “You must finish everything on your plate — wasting food is bad.”

  • Child: “If I don’t finish, I’ll get told off and feel guilty.”

  • Adult: “It’s respectful not to waste food, but my health matters too. I can stop when I’m full and save leftovers for later.”

OR:

·        Parent: “You should always put other people’s needs before your own.”

·        Child: “If I say no, people won’t like me, and I’ll be abandoned.”

·        Adult: “It’s healthy to consider others, but it’s also important to set boundaries. Saying no when I need to is part of a balanced relationship.”

So, in short:

  • The Parent provides rules.

  • The Child provides feelings.

  • The Adult helps us stop replaying old tapes from childhood or parental voices, so we can live based on today’s reality instead of outdated patterns. It is grounded in the present and makes its judgements based on logic, not emotions or habit.


Characteristics of the Adult Ego State:

  • Calm, reasoned, problem-solving

  • Uses language like: “What are the facts?” or “Let’s explore our options.”

  • Open to new information and perspectives


When It’s Helpful:

All the time! The Adult helps us make balanced decisions and communicate clearly—especially during conflict or stress.


Watch Out For:

Over-reliance on logic can sometimes come across as cold or detached if emotions are ignored entirely.


How the Ego States Interact

In daily life, we constantly move between these states—often unconsciously and so does everyone else! For example:

  • A Parent-to-Child interaction might look like:

    Boss (Critical Parent): “You never meet your deadlines!”

    Employee (Adapted Child): “I’m sorry! I’ll try harder…”

  • A healthy Adult-to-Adult conversation might be:

    “Let’s review the timeline together and see where the gaps are.”

Understanding which ego state, you're in—and which one the other person is in—can shift conversations, resolve conflict, and improve relationships.


Why This Matters

TA isn't just theory—it’s a practical tool for real life. Whether you're a therapist, manager, parent, or partner, knowing your ego states can help you:

  • Communicate more effectively

  • Recognize emotional triggers

  • Respond, not react

  • Create healthier dynamics at work and home


How IEMT and Hypnotherapy Can Help with Ego States 

We all carry the voices of our past, the logic of our present, and the feelings of our inner child. Transactional Analysis gives us a framework to listen to all three, recognise them and decide on the best one to lead the way.

Understanding the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states offers valuable insight into how we think, feel, and behave. However, simply recognising these patterns is not always enough — many of them are deeply rooted in past experiences and automatic responses.


Integral Eye Movement Therapy (IEMT) can help by working directly with the emotional imprints carried in the Child ego state. Distressing imprint memories and the beliefs formed around them can be reprocessed, thus reducing their intensity and influence on current behaviour. This allows the Child ego state to feel safer, freer, and less governed by outdated fears. Integral Eye Movement Therapy is a “non-disclosure” technique which means that you do not have to disclose your childhood history or traumatic memories to the practitioner.


Hypnotherapy is particularly effective for accessing the subconscious mind where Parent and Child messages are stored. Through guided relaxation and suggestion, unhelpful rules or rigid “shoulds” from the Parent can be softened and updated. At the same time, positive resources and coping strategies can be strengthened in the Adult ego state, helping clients respond more rationally and calmly in the present.

Together, these approaches support clients in bringing their ego states into balance — reducing the weight of the past and empowering the Adult to create healthier patterns of thought, feeling, and behaviour.

IEMT and Hypnotherapy are not a replacement for traditional treatments such as counselling, psychotherapy, or medical care — but they can be a powerful complement alongside them.

If you are you curious about how this might work for you, please contact me on 07944 006636 and we can explore the next step together.  Alternatively, for further information please visit:


 

References:

Berne, E., 1961. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy: A Systematic Individual and Social Psychiatry. New York: Grove Press.

Harris, T.A. (2023) I'm OK – You're OK: A Practical Guide to Transactional Analysis. London: Penguin Life.


 

 

 
 
 

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© 2025 Sophia Boucher. 

National Hypnotherapy Society
Association for IEMT Practioners
Associations for IEMT Practioners
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